


J'ai sur les épaules un bulldozer et le mauvais rôle

by SilverMyfanwy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-12 07:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18006662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMyfanwy/pseuds/SilverMyfanwy
Summary: “I married you for your soul, Buck. Not for your arms.”Bucky froze. “You married me?”-Bucky worries that his metal arm will make Steve hate him. Then Steve lets slip that they got married.IN ENGLISH.





	J'ai sur les épaules un bulldozer et le mauvais rôle

**Author's Note:**

> So there's some stuff about violence and some stuff about Bucky really not getting on with his arm.  
> The title is from Sans toi by Pomme, which is a most beautiful song. The title means 'I have on my shoulders a bulldozer and the wrong role'- or thereabouts- which couldn't have been written for post-Winter Soldier Bucky more, in my opinion.

“I hate robots.” Bucky muttered as Steve pulled him up from the ground. He’d been knocked down a riverbank by a robot spider, one of hundreds under the control of some Republican businessman trying to take control of Congress by force. He’d set the spiders loose on DC and the Avengers had been called in to sort it all out and restore as much peace as possible.

Natasha and Peter had taken great offence at the use of the robot spiders and were wrapping him up in webbing in his own office.

“Me too. They’re all turned off now. The army are doing clean-up, we get to go home.”

“Hallelujah.” Bucky looked at the river and frowned. “Why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”

“This is where you pulled me out of the river, Buck.” Steve said gently. “After I fell off the helicarrier. You pulled me out, you saved me. They found me on the riverbank.”

“Oh.”

-

“How did I pull you out of the river?” Bucky asked suddenly one evening. Steve was lying on the sofa, drawing. “And how did I get out of the helicarrier?”

Steve stopped what he was doing and looked up. “I fell out. You jumped after me, we think. I fell and you must have pulled me up and out of the river.”

“But I’m not strong enough.”

Steve opened his mouth to protest but Bucky cut him off.

“I know how far you fell, Steve. I couldn’t have got you out.”

“But you did.”

Bucky was silent.”

“Wanna see what I’m drawing?”

Bucky nodded. Steve showed him the picture.

“It’s me.” Bucky got up to have a closer look. “Is that what it looks like?”

“What?”

“My arm.”

“I think so.”

Bucky didn’t speak for the rest of the evening.

-

Steve was fast asleep when Bucky climbed out of bed and made his way silently to the bathroom. He shut the door without making a noise, turned the light on and stared at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t interested in his face or his hair. He was interested in his arm. He made a low carnal noise in his throat and pulled his hoodie off.

His arm almost looked like it was glowing from the light and all the reflective surfaces in the room. It was cold and grey against the rest of him and there was a thick, red band of ugly scars where it joined onto his side. The red star had long since been painted over. Tony had wanted to replace it with Steve’s shield but shut up when Steve pulled out the shield and Bucky took out a blaster Shuri had given him.

It was all grey in the mirror.

It was all red in Bucky’s mind, dripping with the blood of everyone he’d killed with it, everyone he’d hurt with it.

Steve’s blood, Steve’s pain, dripping off it, oozing into the gaps between the plates.

He’d held Steve’s life in that unfeeling metal hand. Broken Steve’s face with that hand, cut him with that hand, done truly wicked things to him with that hand.

Yet Steve still slept next to him in bed every night.

Bucky wondered if that was what gave him nightmares; knowing he’d fallen asleep next to something that could kill him time and time again. He knew that if he asked Steve about it he would say it didn’t bother him but Bucky struggled to believe that, when he looked in the mirror and saw a broken man and something that had tried to kill the love of his life, and his mind was whispering cruel things into his ears.

-

Steve found Bucky in the bathroom the next morning. He was still shirtless and was staring at himself in the mirror. There was a selection of knives and scalpels balanced on the rim of the sink.

“Bucky?” Steve asked cautiously. “What’s with the knives?”

“Was cleanin’ ‘em.” Bucky took a dirty rag out of the sink and held it up to show Steve.

“How long you been here?”

Bucky shrugged.

Steve took a step closer to the sink. “Scalpels? Buck, are you alright?”

Bucky was silent.

“Why are you shirtless? I mean- not that I don’t appreciate it, but it’s not like you to…. Scalpels?”

Bucky glanced at his arm in the mirror. Steve noticed.

“Bucky? Why are there scalpels and knives out when you’re shirtless?” Steve’s voice quaked slightly. “This is about your arm, isn’t it? Please tell me that- that you weren’t going to try and cut it off.”

“How can you not hate it? Hate me?” Bucky asked quietly.

“Hate what? And I could never hate you, Buck.”

Bucky shoved his metal arm roughly. “I tried to kill you with it.”

“If I hated everyone who had ever tried to kill me I would lose the love of my life.”

“I’m not whole anymore.” Bucky swallowed a lump in his throat. “I have one arm. I have a lump of metal on my side that has killed and hurt _so much_. And I’m not whole anymore.”

“Yes you are!” Steve insisted. “You’re still you, your arms-”

“You fell in love with a man with two arms, not me.” Bucky said shakily. “Not me.”

Steve’s eyes started to gleam and he rubbed them with his knuckles. “Bucky-”

“No.” Bucky said firmly. “You’re with me because you feel sorry for me because I have one arm. Don’t tell me I’m whole. Don’t tell me I’m the same Bucky you knew in 1938 or something, because I know I’m not. Look at me!” he shoved his arm again. He didn’t notice the agony on Steve’s face when he did so.

“I married you for your soul, Buck. Not for your arms.”

Bucky froze. “You married me?”

Steve nodded shakily. “1942. Night before you shipped out. Wasn’t legal, of course, but we did it anyway.”

“You married me?”

“Yes.”

Bucky grabbed his hoodie, pulled it over his head, bit his lip and swallowed. Steve didn’t move as Bucky walked past him, out of the bathroom, and made no effort to stop the tears falling down his face as he heard Bucky grabbing his bag from under the bed and heading out of the window.

He stayed in the bathroom doorway for a long time, tears dripping off his cheeks, fingers clutching the doorframe, staring at the knives on the sink.

-

Bucky was gone for six days.

He came back with chin-length hair and swollen knuckles. He showed up at the gym, after he dropped out of the air vents in the ceiling. Steve was throwing his shield back and forth against the wall.

“You’re back.” Steve said, voice croaking. His shield fell out of his hand and clattered onto the floor.

“I wanna marry you again.” Bucky told him. “I’ll paint your shield on my arm instead of a wedding ring.”

Steve beamed from ear to ear.

“Shuri’s going to make me a new arm.” Bucky continued. “One that’s never hurt anybody.” he rubbed the back of his neck. “So, you gonna marry me?”

“As many times as you want.” Steve promised. He covered the space between them in two strides, took Bucky’s metal hand in his and kissed him soundly. “I’ve missed you. Didn’t know when you were comin’ home.”

“How did you know I was coming home?”

“You left your favourite knife.” Steve swallowed. “And I didn’t think you’d really leave me over your arm.”

“Never. And how would I function without my expert on the 21st century, hmm?” he paused. “Plus, it’s about time I did something legal for once.”

They burst into giggles, which turned to tears, which turned to desperate kissing.

“I’m not leaving you again.” Bucky whispered. “I love you.”

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky. “Love you too.”

They stayed there until Bucky began to fall asleep and Steve carried him to bed.

They both slept soundly that night.


End file.
